One morning in an English hotel breakfast room, a guest called over the head waiter. "Good morning, sir! I'd like to order two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it's runny, and the other so overcooked that it's tough. I also want some rubbery bacon, burnt toast, and butter that's so cold it's impossible to spread. Finally, I'll have a pot of extra-weak coffee, served at room temperature."

The bewildered waiter almost stuttered. "Sir! We cannot serve such an awful breakfast to you here!"

"Why not?" the guest replied. "That's what I got here yesterday!"

Peter was driving back to London after a visit to the Carlton store in Birmingham late one afternoon. He was late and was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its lights flashing in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on.

The cars are racing down the M40 -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.

Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, Peter figures he had better give up. He pulls over to the side of the road.

The officer gets out of his police car and approaches Peter. He leans down and says "Listen Sir, I've had a really tough day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

Peter thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. When I saw your police car in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!!!

Colin and Ian got out of their cars after they collided at on a trans-country highway. Colin took a flask from his pocket and offered it to Ian, "Here mate, maybe you'd like a nip to calm your nerves."

"Thanks," said Ian, and took a long pull from the container. "Here, you have one, too," he added, handing back the whisky.

"Well, I'd rather not," said Colin. "At least not until after the police have been here."

Cabin announcement:

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child... pick your favourite."

Ernie was not specifically fond of flying and always visited the passengers lounge for a bit of liquid refreshment to reinforce his nerves before boarding.

On a particular occassion, his flight was delayed and Ernie spent the time ‘reinforcing his nerves'. When the flight was finally called, he was feeling very brave and staggered his way to his seat. He had hardly sat down when a man asked him to move as he was occupying the wrong seat.

Ernie told him in no uncertain terms that this was his seat and since he had paid for it, he was not moving. The man asked him again to please move after which Ernie threatened him with a good 'donnering' if he worried him again. As he had paid for his seat he was not moving for no-one.

The man shrugged his shoulders and said "Fine, you fly the bloody thing then."